Please allow me to say Happy Father's Day. I know it's a little early but I would be remiss if I didn't salute each and everyone of you as fathers. Father's Day is an opportunity to revel in your fatherhood. It's also a good time to consider how you might improve yourself as a father. You already know the areas that need improvement--so let me encourage you to pick one area and focus on how you can improve it this year. It could be as simple as finding ways to spend more time with your kids. It's never easy because our schedules are full, we have agendas of our own, and distractions abound. But most assuredly the time you spend with your kids now will reap relational rewards in the future. Not sure how to improve yourself as a dad? Ask your kids. If your kids are too young--ask your wife.

P.S. if you believe in what Fatherville.com is doing there are a couple of different ways you can contribute toward the cause of fatherhood:

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Now...on to the good stuff.

So, you have a brand new bundle of joy, your first, and the whole world is happy for you, consumed with the cuteness of the new kid, and generally life just seems absolutely, perfectly wonderful. Nothing in the world could have prepared you for this feeling, this absolute enthrallment with what is essentially a helpless midget. You’re happier and more proud than you have ever been in your entire life, more so than you will ever be again. It passes.

Once you leave the hospital, you begin to remember that there is a world we live in, and that world couldn’t care less that you had a baby. That world still wants the rent check, the electricity check, and the phone check. That world still wants you at work at 9am sharp on Monday morning, and to hell with your pride, your joy, and your excuses. You get home, still enthusiastic and enthralled, and then the midget screams.

“I didn’t know they screamed like THAT!”, you yell over the cacophany.

And she just smiles. You see, she knew all about it. She knew what it was going to be like, how hard it was going to be, and what baby crap smells like. She knew all of it, because her family has 200 babies a year, but she didn’t tell you. Oh, she tried to tell you, of course. She thought it would be enough to look at you, say your name, and then say “It isn’t going to be easy, you know.” right in the middle of the Sox game. You nodded and smiled and said ‘uh-huh’, and went back to the game (You don’t even remember it, do you? I know I don’t)

Eight-point-seven-six-two months later, along comes the midget. And the screaming. And the poop... and the [fill in everything in the world you didn’t expect here]. So, when the screaming starts, you pick up the phone. You don’t even really think about it, you need some advice on how to deal with this little terrorist.

Halfway through dialing the number, you put the phone down. You can’t call Dad, he’ll think you’re a horrible father. He’ll think you didn’t learn anything from him, that he failed in his job because you don’t have the first clue on how to handle this new situation, and you should have picked it all up from him in the last twenty-five years or so. Or worse, you fear that one call could spell the end of your independence, and that he’ll forever think you need him to tell you how to handle raising your children.

This is where it gets sticky. Your pop may indeed know everything in the world about raising a child, or he may not. Either way, it’s hard to separate the boundaries, hard for him to understand that you are him now, a new father with all of the responsibilities he had twenty-five years ago. Having a child to love and protect makes your heart surge with love, pride, and power. Yep, power. You now have the power and responsibility to raise, love, and protect your child. It makes you feel about fifty feet tall, makes you stick out your chest and makes your head far too big to be in the same room with your friends and family. You don’t want to surrender that power to anyone, or even be made to feel like you have surrendered that power. Reality, that thankless taskmaster, has other plans for you.

Eventually, we all need advice. For me, I had a hard time asking my father for advice, even though I admire and respect him to no end. I got around it by asking for his opinion, not his advice. See, when you seek out someone’s advice, you feel a certain obligation to weigh it very heavily, because you admired and respected the person enough to ask them to help mediate your problem. An opinion, however, can be discarded at will, if circumstances dictate. You can get fifty opinions, weigh them all, them throw them out the window. Advice is harder. It’s semantic nonsense, but it works.

My advice: Never ask for advice. Ask for opinions, then make your own decisions. “Hey, what do you think of homeschooling in general?” is a world apart from “Do you think I should homeschool?” The former is better than the latter, if you ask me.

The other major issue I have run into with my ‘Old Man’ is the advent of so many new parenting styles, information, and expertise that is but a few clicks away in this modern world. Our parents raised us with the tools they had available to them, and they want to feel like they did an absolutely incredible job. What they don’t want is to hear about how all the new research completely contradicts everything they did while we were growing up. They don’t want to hear about all of the new things you are going to try to put into practice as a dad in the twenty-first century that they didn’t have in the late seventies.

Invariably, when the conversation turns in this direction, our parents become defensive of their parenting style, techniques, and methodology. They feel like they are under attack from our generation, like we are picking apart everything they did. I made the mistake of telling my father I wasn’t going to use physical punishment with my son (it was used very sparsely when I was growing up, usually a last resort). The response: “Well, you will when he gets older.”

“I didn’t mean anything by it, I was just.....”

“Yeah, we’ll see.”

The implication is that you will be eating your words, and the whole thing degrades into a very male contest of wills, with you being stubborn about your ‘new-fangled’ technique, and your father being stubborn about his ‘tried and true’ methods.

“Well, we [fill in activity you are not planning on] with you, and you turned out all right.”

“Sure, sure, you’ve had a kid for [period of time], you know everything. Yup.”

My advice: Try very hard not to step on your father’s toes when it comes to parenting methods. He raised you, and he only understands on an intellectual level that you are beyond his scope of control now. He still sees you the way you see your baby, helpless and needy, someone to be cared for and protected at all costs.

Imagine for a moment your son or daughter with a son or daughter of their own. Is it even imaginable? Can you even conceive the notion of your son/daughter raising a child? This helpless, drooling, babbling midget in charge of another life?

Is that scary, or what? Now you know how your dad feels, and how he always will.

By Anthony Levensalor

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Announcement - - Dads Over 50!! - - Announcement

What do David Letterman, Yasser Arafat, Tony Randall and Strom Thurmond have in common? They all became fathers at age 50 or older. Just in time for Father's Day, journalist Mark O'Keefe of Newhouse News Service is writing an article about the famous and not-so-famous who became fathers past the half-century mark. If you are such a father, or know of one who would like to be interviewed for this story, send an email to Mr. O'Keefe at mark.okeefe@newhouse.com. Feel free to write a bit about what fatherhood after 50 has been like. Or, Mr. O'Keefe can call you for an interview. His deadline is the end of the day on Wednesday, June 9. Newhouse News Service serves the 32 Newhouse papers across the country, including The Portland Oregonian, Newark Star-Ledger, New Orleans Times-Picayune and Cleveland Plain Dealer.

I was packed and ready to leave for my two day trip. My mind had been consumed with work and with many of the small details of getting ready to go.

As I got into the car to leave, my thoughts turned to my children. I’d been preoccupied for the last few days, and now I’d be gone for a few more.

How to stay in touch with your kids during busy times is often a father’s dilemma. Men tend to focus on one thing extremely well for long periods, but this can lead to trouble. Shifting from work to your family life isn’t always the easiest thing to do. And if you don’t show your kids that you’re thinking about them, they may assume that you’re not.

As I started down the road, I suddenly stopped the car and turned around.

I drove back to my house, found a couple of cards, and wrote a short message to each of my children. I put each in a “secret” place where I knew they’d find it.

When I called the next night, it was clear that they’d received the cards. “Daddy, I got your card,” they both blurted excitedly. ”When did you do that?”

My heart was warmed to hear this. It was such a small thing. But it had a big impact on my kids. It was their “proof” that I was thinking about them. And it was encouragement for me to continue to do the small things that have a big impact.

Here are some ideas for fathers to show your kids that you’re thinking of them.

• Call them to say hi when you’re at work. It doesn’t have to be more than two minutes a week, and they’ll notice your efforts.
• Leave special messages for them around the house when you’re not there. This lets them know that they’re in your thoughts, even when you’re not there.
• When you’re out of town, call your kids and keep them up to date on what you’re doing. This helps your kids to feel involved in your life.
• Surprise your kids by showing up at an event where you weren’t expected. This shows them that they’re high on your priority list.
• Make sure you tell your kids that you’re thinking of them when you’re away from them. Tell them that you think of them when you’re at work. They may not realize this until you tell them.

As fathers get busier and work longer hours, the little things can sometimes be lost. Don’t lose the opportunity to show your kids how important they are.

Take a moment to do the small things for your kids.

It won’t seem small to them.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers” http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, “Dads, Don’t Fix Your Kids,” at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.

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The old Michael Keaton Mr. Mom movie got laughs by playing off the public perception that men were out of place as full-time caretakers for their children. But more and more couples are discovering that, for them, having Dad stay home is the right decision.

Attitudes in our society have certainly changed in recent years. For one thing, fathers are generally more involved in their kids' lives than a generation or even a decade ago. Their co-workers and bosses are also more open to family-friendly policies.

Being an at-home dad isn't for everyone, but if you're considering this option, let's look at a few things you'll want to think about.

First, and most obvious, look at the financial considerations. Even if you aren't going to be the main breadwinner, you still have a responsibility to see that your children are provided for.

Second, find a support network to help you survive and thrive. At-home parent groups overwhelmingly cater to moms, but at-home dads are a rapidly growing group, and they face some unique challenges.

There are some great online resources and networks for at-home dads, but also be cognizant of activity in your neighborhood, at the playground, and throughout the community. When you're taking care of your child, you're bound to spy another dad doing the same. Go out of your way and make a friendly connection.

And third, be ready for how people will react. Sure, our society has come a long way, but many people are still uncomfortable with the idea of dads staying home to care for children. They may make jokes, or assign you any number of stereotypes, like you're a bumbling Mr. Mom like in the movie, or you're incompetent in the business world, or you're a slacker, or even that your wife is the one who "wears the pants" in the family. It's unfortunate that anyone would react that way, and maybe they'll eventually come around, but you have to be ready for it.

I say, just smile and count each experience or comment as a blessing, because they will force you to re-examine your decision, remember the good reasons why you've taken on that role, and re-commit again and again to do what's best for your children.

Ken Canfield via Fathers.com

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Michael E. Farrell
Fatherville.com - Where Real Fathers Write About Real Fatherhood

You may reach me anytime via email at: mike@fatherville.com