WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A DAD?

Sometimes fathers feel unsure about what is expected of them. Many fathers know what they don’t want to do from memories of their own childhoods, but they aren’t sure what they should do. There is no one right way and no recipe for being a dad.

What is important is to think about what is going to work for you and that will depend on:

• what you expect to do as a dad
• what your children’s mother expects
• what your partner expects if she is not your children’s mother
• whether you are living with your children all of the time or some of the time, or whether they live with their mother and visit you
• the way you and your partner balance work and family responsibilities
• the good things that you want to do for your own children
• what your father did with you
• the things that you see other fathers do
• what your own children want and need.

The most important gift that you can give to your children is your love. This means getting to know them and being involved in their lives so they also get to know you.

It means spending time with your children and making the most of the time you spend with them.

Now on to the good stuff...

By Mark Brandenburg

My five-year-old son had a quirky smile that showed a mixture of pride and anticipation. He’d shown me his art project from school, and he was waiting for his mom. “Come on over and look at what Michael made,” I shouted to my wife.

Michael ran out of the room crying.

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “What happened?”

“I wanted to tell Mom myself!” he yelled. “You ruined it.”

Part of me felt empathy for him and sadness that he couldn’t “surprise” his mother. But another dark voice in my head was louder. “Why can’t you grow up?” “Are you going to act like this your whole childhood?”

I was filled with visions of a son who was incapable of dealing with the challenges and frustrations of daily living. And I felt the responsibility of showing him how to be “tough enough” to live in a world that delivers plenty of tough times. At the moment, I felt like I was failing badly.

Masculinity is supposed to be passed on from father to son. It can’t be taught by their mothers, no matter how incredible they are. And our society still struggles with how to define masculinity.

When I counseled men years ago, it became clear to me that those men who hadn’t felt accepted by their fathers would “compensate” for it. They would compensate by becoming workaholics, womanizers, drinkers, etc. Although many of them would accomplish a great deal in their lives, they never felt as though they were “man enough.”

So what are the rules for fathers in raising a son?

They’re really quite simple, but it’s easy for fathers to forget them when they get lost in their own fears about their son being “wimpy.” Here’s a list of these simple rules:

• Be there for him.

Share in his success and in his failure. Share yourself with him, including your failures--he needs to know that you’ve failed and turned out OK.

• Know that your son is studying you very closely, and act accordingly.

He won’t miss much, and he’ll most likely end up quite a bit like you. So be a person that you want him to end up like!

• Approve of him

Approve of him during the good times and the bad. If you let him know after some of his worse moments that you still think he’s great, you’ll get fewer of his worst moments.

• Develop common interests and spend time on them

When your son becomes a teenager, his interests may change significantly. Have some common interests that will transcend these changes and give you a place to “meet” during those teen years.

As I remembered some of these thoughts, Michael brought his head up from his hands. His face was wet with tears. “I’m sorry, buddy. I didn’t know you wanted to surprise your mom. That must have been disappointing.”

He got up, grabbed his artwork, and ran to his mother to show her.

He may not be the toughest kid around, but I think he’s going to be OK.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches men to be better fathers and husbands. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers” Sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter,“Dads, Don’t Fix Your Kids”


Respond to this article.

Advertisement

The man who says his prayers in the evening is a captain posting his sentries. After that, he can sleep. - Charles Baudelaire (1821-1867)

It is somewhere past two in the morning and I find myself in the upstairs hallway going from room to room looking in on the children. There is no special reason such as a coughing spell or a call for water, I am just wandering. I go downstairs to check the doors and have a glass of milk. Sitting at the kitchen table I listen to the sounds of our house. Creaks and snaps as the furnace heats up then the rush of air that rattles the basement door as the fan kicks in. Outside, there is the sound of the wind through the eaves and then, the unexpected rumble of a car on our quiet street. I listen until it recedes in the distance and all is peaceful again.

My thoughts turn to the health of my family. These past winter weeks there have been more than a few types of cold and flu bugs floating around. One child in my son's kindergarten class has come down with a high fever and tonight I read in the paper of a case of meningitis in a nearby town. We have had our share of coughs and colds lately, but for the time being we are relatively free of illness. I remember to add vitamins to the grocery list on the kitchen counter and make a note to buy some of the new "Natural" orange juice that is being advertised.

I wonder what good a glass of orange juice can do against a determined virus? Maybe a lot or maybe nothing. My children however, are in no position to judge the relative merits of various preventative therapies and so, I do it for them. They will get the orange juice and they will drink it happily. There are other decisions that they do not take as kindly to, but my intentions in all are the same, to protect them.

I remind myself that not so long ago I would be sitting here wondering about the mortgage and deciding which bills to pay. There were many nights when my family slept and I took out the calculator and figured out repayment schedules and various methods of gerrymandering a dollar to make it cover two. With a combination of hard work and a little luck, those days have receded. Still here I am.

My wife has been sad for the past few days about her relationship with her mother. They don't seem to be able to communicate. Consequently even the slightest misunderstanding quickly becomes a major disagreement. One such incident occurred last week and it now has my mind. I am sitting here wondering what I can do to make it better for my wife. We need that. Our children need that.

These are my private thoughts. I, like many other men, keep my own counsel on many matters. I don't mean to ruminate in the middle of the night, but it happens. Contemplation is the companion of silence. The small hours of the morning seem to lend themselves to quiet reverie.

Women are right you know. Men don't talk. At least not about what's really on our minds. We can talk about love and feelings when the mood hits us or when we're reminded, with varying degrees of good or bad humour, of our lack of attention. . That is not what I mean when I say we don't talk. No, it's a lot more complicated than that. We men have a secret society that meets in the dead of night. We may be wide awake in bed, or sitting in the kitchen. We could be on the 20th floor of an apartment building staring at the streets below or standing at the window of a rural farmhouse searching the darkness for an answer.

What is it that we are keeping to ourselves? It is our feeling of responsibility. It is the belief that, in spite of all the claims to the contrary, the burden for our families health and happiness rests solely with us. This may not be the feeling of every culture and every man in this culture, but it is my belief and many men share it. This is my family and it is my job to shepherd them through this night. Through this life.

It is so easy to become complacent sitting in my now quiet suburban neighbourhood. I have no doubts that living in this place and in this time makes me one of the most privileged men to have walked on the face of the earth. My family wants for nothing physically. We have our normal conflicts, but we can always reach past the angry words or gestures and touch the love that is the foundation of our lives.

Still, I am vigilant. I take nothing for granted. It can all change in the blink of an eye. I have seen it. You have seen it. "Enjoy life my family!", we say. "Sleep well my family!” we say. We will watch and we will keep it to ourselves.

I finish my milk and put the glass in the sink. Before I turn off the lights I check the doors once again. Upstairs I look in on the children once more and then I slip into bed beside my wife. She stirs and I shape to her body. I post my sentries and then I close my eyes and sleep.

---
Terry McManus's website can be found at: http://www.husbandfatherbrotherson.com
 

Respond to this article

On the day David's son turned twenty-two, David was uneasy and distracted. You see, he was twenty-two when his own father died. Now all those emotions were coming back, along with a sense that he was in uncharted waters. He later told me, "I suddenly realized that I no longer knew how to father. I didn't have a model for fathering a 22-year-old son."

It's a common reaction. When our children reach the same age we were during significant events in our lives, often the memories and emotions coming flooding back in. When they get their driver's license, you recall getting yours. When they graduate, you can almost feel your own cap and gown from 25 years ago. This phenomenon seems especially apparent when linked with father-son memories.

Maybe your dad helped you with your pitching motion when you were twelve, or spent hours working with you on a seventh grade science project. As your child faces similar challenges at a similar age, use your father's example to inspire you.

But, we also need to be ready for the dark memories. If your father left your family when he was forty-two, watch out when you reach that age. Be careful not to use your father as an excuse to take the easy way out of your commitments.

So what do we do with all these feelings? If your father was a positive influence, use your memories to honor him. Share your memories over the phone, in a letter, or in person and tell him, "Thanks."

If your father caused you mostly pain, then be ready to face the facts head-on; claim ownership of how you feel, and don't deny his profound impact on you.

Better yet, use your father's shortcomings to motivate yourself as a father. If you missed some hugs or never heard the words "I love you," don't make your children pay for your deficit. Make a firm commitment that says, "It stops here. I refuse to pass these cycles on to my children."

Seek regularly to give your children memorable milestones that they'll look back on with fondness and joy - and then share with their own children.

Ken Canfield via Fathers.com

Respond to this article.

Fatherhood Writers Wanted

Are you interested in writing fathering related articles for Fatherville.com? We are always looking for dads who like to write. If you are interested please contact us.

STEPFATHERS---STEPFATHERS---STEPFATHERS---STEPFATHERS---STEPFATHERS---STEPFATHERS

Are you a stepfather? Would you be interested in sharing your stepfathering experiences with other stepathers? We are looking for one stepfather who would would be willing to contribute his stepfathering experiences, on a monthly basis, over a one year period and allow Fatherville.com to publish his experiences on the Fatherville.com website. As a special incentive Fatherville.com will reward the qualifying father with three fathering related books of choice from Amazon.com.

Please see our contribution guidelines

Isn't It Time You Express Your Fatherhood?

Father's Day Is Coming Soon!
Buy A Shirt And Let Your Family Know You Are Proud To Be Dad

Awesome T-Shirts 
for Dads and Grandpa's

T-Shirts Make Great Gifts

Buy One Now

Thanks for allowing me to mail this newsletter to you. It's a privilege for me to join you on the journey.

Until next month...hang in there dad!!

Michael E. Farrell
Fatherville.com - Where Real Fathers Write About Real Fatherhood

You may reach me anytime via email at: mike@fatherville.com