Welcome to the May 2005 edition of the Fatherville.com Newsletter.

Happy Mother's Day! I hope you are all enjoying the Mother's Day weekend. If there is a Mom in your family I hope that you take the time to honor her. In our family, my wife is a loving, caring, and selfless mom to our kids. She almost always puts the kids needs first. It's a great trait to have as a parent. Putting our kids first isn't always easy but in the end it's worth it. Dad, how do you put your kids first in your life? What do you do to make them feel like they are important? Want to know the number one way to make them feel like they are first in your life? Want to know what really makes them feel loved? It's not money or gifts. It's your time. That's right dad the way to spell love for your children is T-I-M-E. If you really want your kids to sit up and take notice of you and feel loved by you starting giving them more of your time. It's really that simple.

• Fatherville Tip of the Week
  Many of you have already subscribed to the Fatherville tip of the Week email and I'd like to say, "Thank you." It's a great way to receive simple fathering/parenting related tips that can really improve your fathering skills. If you haven't already done so please consider subscribing today.
   
• If you are a new dad you can also sign-up for the Free 10 Week New Dad email course.
   
• Book recommendation: Last month I completed an excellent book about the bond between a father and his son. If you have some time and you want to gain perspective on the importance of each moment we have with our children pickup the book: Raising Cole by Marc Pittman. Excellent!

Now on to the good stuff...

By Terry McManus

The man who says his prayers in the evening is a captain posting his sentries. After that, he can sleep. - Charles Baudelaire (1821-1867)

It is somewhere past two in the morning and I find myself in the upstairs hallway going from room to room looking in on the children. There is no special reason such as a coughing spell or a call for water, I am just wandering. I go downstairs to check the doors and have a glass of milk. Sitting at the kitchen table I listen to the sounds of our house. Creaks and snaps as the furnace heats up then the rush of air that rattles the basement door as the fan kicks in. Outside, there is the sound of the wind through the eaves and then, the unexpected rumble of a car on our quiet street. I listen until it recedes in the distance and all is peaceful again.

My thoughts turn to the health of my family. These past winter weeks there have been more than a few types of cold and flu bugs floating around. One child in my son's kindergarten class has come down with a high fever and tonight I read in the paper of a case of meningitis in a nearby town. We have had our share of coughs and colds lately, but for the time being we are relatively free of illness. I remember to add vitamins to the grocery list on the kitchen counter and make a note to buy some of the new "Natural" orange juice that is being advertised.

I wonder what good a glass of orange juice can do against a determined virus? Maybe a lot or maybe nothing. My children however, are in no position to judge the relative merits of various preventative therapies and so, I do it for them. They will get the orange juice and they will drink it happily. There are other decisions that they do not take as kindly to, but my intentions in all are the same, to protect them.

I remind myself that not so long ago I would be sitting here wondering about the mortgage and deciding which bills to pay. There were many nights when my family slept and I took out the calculator and figured out repayment schedules and various methods of gerrymandering a dollar to make it cover two. With a combination of hard work and a little luck, those days have receded. Still here I am.

My wife has been sad for the past few days about her relationship with her mother. They don't seem to be able to communicate. Consequently even the slightest misunderstanding quickly becomes a major disagreement. One such incident occurred last week and it now has my mind. I am sitting here wondering what I can do to make it better for my wife. We need that. Our children need that.

These are my private thoughts. I, like many other men, keep my own counsel on many matters. I don't mean to ruminate in the middle of the night, but it happens. Contemplation is the companion of silence. The small hours of the morning seem to lend themselves to quiet reverie.

Women are right you know. Men don't talk. At least not about what's really on our minds. We can talk about love and feelings when the mood hits us or when we're reminded, with varying degrees of good or bad humour, of our lack of attention. . That is not what I mean when I say we don't talk. No, it's a lot more complicated than that. We men have a secret society that meets in the dead of night. We may be wide awake in bed, or sitting in the kitchen. We could be on the 20th floor of an apartment building staring at the streets below or standing at the window of a rural farmhouse searching the darkness for an answer.

What is it that we are keeping to ourselves? It is our feeling of responsibility. It is the belief that, in spite of all the claims to the contrary, the burden for our families health and happiness rests solely with us. This may not be the feeling of every culture and every man in this culture, but it is my belief and many men share it. This is my family and it is my job to shepherd them through this night. Through this life.

It is so easy to become complacent sitting in my now quiet suburban neighborhood. I have no doubts that living in this place and in this time makes me one of the most privileged men to have walked on the face of the earth. My family wants for nothing physically. We have our normal conflicts, but we can always reach past the angry words or gestures and touch the love that is the foundation of our lives.

Still, I am vigilant. I take nothing for granted. It can all change in the blink of an eye. I have seen it. You have seen it. "Enjoy life my family!", we say. "Sleep well my family!" we say. We will watch and we will keep it to ourselves.

I finish my milk and put the glass in the sink. Before I turn off the lights I check the doors once again. Upstairs I look in on the children once more and then I slip into bed beside my wife. She stirs and I shape to her body. I post my sentries and then I close my eyes and sleep.

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By Paul Lermitte

Money is a complex commodity, especially when it intersects with our family relationships. We earn it and try to use it wisely - providing for our kids is a responsibility and a joy. But when it comes to teaching our kids what to do with it, emotions kick in, and we want to be in control. We don't want to let our kids choose. "If you buy that, you'll be sorry," we warn them. "Don't spend all your money on one thing...save a little too."

As parents, we need to find a balance when it comes to teaching our kids about spending money and making independent choices. We can give our kids general guidelines and then teach them to make good choices using those boundaries. For example, when you give out your child's allowance, make some rules about how it can be dealt with. Suggest that 25% be put into the piggy bank or a savings account. Another ten percent can go toward some charitable cause, such as the SPCA or your place of worship.

Your child is left with 65% of the original amount for spending. Now if you get all picky about that 65% - what they can do with it and what they can buy with it, it's likely that you will start to hear them complain about the other 35% as well. If you can let go and allow your child the freedom to spend their money the way they want to...on candy and treats, toys or the movies, they will learn some valuable lessons at the same time.

Some of those lessons include the difference between quality and quantity, and the power of making a poor choice. The quality vs. quantity issue becomes very clear when your child buys a cheap toy at the dollar store, and it breaks before you arrive home. It's also emphasized when he saves up to buy a very expensive shirt and then spills mustard on it the very first time he wears it.

When your child makes a choice that she is very sorry about a week later, she learns the dangers of buying impulsively. An example might be spending her savings on an expensive pair of shoes that don't really fit, but can't be returned, or buying pricey nail polish in a color that looks funny once it's on her nails.
These lessons teach our children the benefits of making decisions carefully, and taking the time to do some research. On the other hand, if you constantly interfere...("you can't buy that dear, it has pieces missing, you'll get tired of cleaning out the cage, those baseball cards won't be worth anything a few years from now"), you will rob your children of the experience of learning from their mistakes. Wouldn't you rather they learned these things as children, when relatively small amounts of money are involved, rather than as adults with much larger stakes?

Part of the parenting process is helping our children to learn from their mistakes. So next time you hand over that allowance, bite your tongue. Let them make some choices you expect to not work out.

When some of their choices turn out badly, it's not time to say "I told you so..." Instead, spend time gently reviewing with your child how this terrible thing happened. Sympathize with how they feel - you've been ripped off at some point too, you know what it is like. Walk through the choices your child had and what they will do differently next time. You'll be teaching your children some valuable lessons!

If you are interested in reading other articles about how to educate your kids about money, have a look at some of the links listed below, and browse the rest of Making Allowances for more great ideas and resources.

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Until next month...hang in there dad!!

Michael E. Farrell
Fatherville.com - Where Real Fathers Write About Real Fatherhood

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