Our third and final child, Luke, is now almost 3 years old. He's "pushing the envelope" of our patience lately. It's not a stretch to say that he can find and make trouble nearly everywhere he goes. I'm talking about spills of every sort, toilet paper and clothing clogging the toilet, scaling things in the house that ought not to be scaled, breaking things that aren't his, dumping things like the trash can and kitty litter, and coloring on things like the refrigerator and walls. He does all of this in a typical day and he does it faster than we can blink an eye. Yes, he's exploring his world and nothing is to big of a challenge. In his mind, kitchen drawers are an ingenious dual purpose invention for storing stuff and for climbing stair-step like to the counter top. To be honest, my wife and I, are scratching our heads wondering what to do. Many of you dads know what I mean. You are in the middle of it right now. Don't you sometimes wonder if your child isn't actually scheming against you? In his article, Accepting Your Childs Mistakes, Mark Brandenberg provides some insight and perspective on showing our kids the patience and discipline necessary to allow them to learn from the mistakes that we’ve all made.

On a another note, when I was 12 my mom and dad divorced. It was tough for everyone involved. But when divorce is eminent the very best decision two parents can make is to set aside all personal differences and put the needs of the child(ren) first. Settle your differences privately. When my parents agreed to do that they taught me the importance of honoring each of them even though they could not honor each other. In his article, Five Goals for Live Away Dads, Dr. Ken Canfield lists 5 important goals to focus on when you don't know what to do next. 

Now on to the good stuff...

By Mark Brandenberg via Fathers.com

One of the most difficult parts of being a father is learning to accept your children’s mistakes. It certainly can be easy to be loving, supportive, and helpful when your children are mistake-free, but most fathers who are paying attention don’t find too many mistake-free periods of their children’s lives. 

Let’s be clear about our kids and their mistakes. There aren’t too many kids who get up in the morning, rub their hands together and say, ”I wonder how I can screw up today and really bother my dad!” Kids don’t enjoy or want to make mistakes, it’s just one of the ways that they learn about the world. 

Kids usually try to do their best; it’s just that they are doing their best considering the resources that they have at the time. Sometimes they’re tired, sometimes they’re easily distracted, and sometimes they’re strong-willed, but they generally do the best that they can. It’s very easy for us to judge them according to standards of what they’ve done before. 

When our kids make mistakes, we have choices to make. Fathers can either make choices that help to create kids who are defensive and who lie to them …or they can make choices that help to create kids who can learn from their mistakes and improve upon them. 

Kids who fear punishment or the loss of love in response to their mistakes learn to hide their mistakes. These children live in two different places--one place where they have the love and support of their father (parents), and another where they feel that if their mistakes were discovered, they would be undeserving of that love. It is hard for these kids to fully accept their parents’ love and support even when it is expressed. It is also difficult for these kids to set high standards for themselves, because they tend to be fearful of failing. 

These are some ideas for fathers who are committed to helping create kids who can learn from their mistakes, and who are not afraid of making a few: 

Absolutely accept the notion that your kids are doing their best, and that they will learn faster about their mistakes if they are in an environment that accepts mistakes. 

Understand that your difficulty with your kids’ mistakes is in fact a reflection of your difficulty dealing with your own mistakes; be aware of this and deal with your own issues first. 

Know the “shaming” messages that we can all give so easily to our kids--messages that can do a lot of damage to them and help them to feel unworthy. Here’s a few of them: 

How could you have done that?
You don’t listen to me!
You can do better than hat!
What’s the matter with you? 

Keep providing your kids with learning experiences, but at the same time structure their environment so they can’t make too many mistakes (having expensive glassware around the house where children might break it is not their fault). 

Provide a great model for your children by the way you react to making mistakes: do you get defensive and stretch the truth, or do you “own” the mistake and learn something from it? Create a “culture” that is based on learning from mistakes. 

We have only one chance to show our kids the patience and discipline necessary to allow them to learn from the mistakes that we’ve all made. Your opportunity to improve just started now; give your kids the room that they need and deserve. 

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is a certified personal coach, father, speaker, and workshop leader who helps men to create balance in their lives and to improve their family relationships. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers” and can be reached at mark@markbrandenburg.com or at www.markbrandenburg.com.

Article reprinted with permission: © Fathers.com www.fathers.com All Rights Reserved.

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Are you are a divorced dad? Do you need to track parenting time and monitor compliance with your custody arrangements?

A peaceful divorce? Possibly. A pain-free divorce? That’s exceedingly rare. The adjustments for dad, mom and kids are major. 

William Klatte has written an insightful book called Live-Away Dads. In it, he suggests five beneficial actions you can take: goals you can focus on when you don’t know what to do next. 

First, keep your promises. Your kids are depending on you, and kept promises are an important way you can create stability during a time of uncertainty. Each broken promise, no matter how small, reduces their trust in you a little bit, and can really erode over time. So, think before you speak, and do everything you can to keep your word. 

Second, show your kids that you’ll be okay. For them to feel confident and at peace, they have to see that you are. If it’s obvious that you’re devastated, they’ll be insecure. That doesn’t mean you never show weaknesses; honesty is critical. But show them in words and actions that you can make it through the tough times. 

Also, support their mother. Impossible, you say? It’s a vital element of any healthy family—intact or otherwise. Recognize that cutting her down lowers you in the long run. Help them honor her as their mother. Work out disagreements in private. 

Fourth, be the best parent you can be. That’s all you can control anyway. They need patience and understanding, fair limits, balance and consistency from you, so don’t try to counteract their mom’s parenting style. It brings more harm than good. 

Finally, be involved for the long haul. It sounds obvious, but it’s amazing how many divorced dads get sidetracked by a new job, a different city, or a new relationship—maybe with a new family—and lose track of the sincere commitments they made to their children. Being a positive influence in your kids’ lives means being there when they need you, for small and big things. 

Don’t let your motivation as a dad fall off through the years because of frustration or the tedium of routine. You are important to your kids even if they don’t always show it. 

Ken Canfield

Article reprinted with permission: © Fathers.com www.fathers.com All Rights Reserved.

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One final note: If any of you are country music fans I recently heard a song by Craig Morgan called "Every Friday Afternoon" It's a touching lyric about a dad who is trying his very best to spend time with his child despite the physical distance between them. Give it it listen. You can watch the video too!

Until next month...hang in there dad!!

Michael E. Farrell
Fatherville.com - Where Real Fathers Write About Real Fatherhood

You may reach me anytime via email at: mike@fatherville.com

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