Sometimes, our kids are a pain. What they do or don't do often adds stress to our lives. So, let's face it--we love them but they can be a real pain in the "patootie" sometimes. There, I said it and I mean it. But I love my kids with all that is within me.

Is the pain and stress worth it? Absolutely! But while you are in the process of becoming a parent these stresses can really build up and often we "can't see the forest for the trees." We are so caught up in our anger that the long term picture becomes blurred.

Remember, you can't go back and undo your mistakes. You only get one chance with each child and hopefully you learn and grow from your mistakes--and you will make mistakes. That's why I want to encourage you to maximize your time with your children. Don't let the days slip away.

Your children will absolutely remember even the smallest gestures of kindness and your efforts to put them first will not go unrewarded. But you must "practice" making your children your priority because there are a lot of distractions that keep us from giving them our time. If you've been contemplating ways that you can spend more time with your kids let me provide you with a list of ideas:

1. Have a tickle party. Wrestle and roll around with your kids.
2. Blow the dust off those board games.
3. Have some friends over.
4. Let the kids take every cushion off the sofa and build a fort.
5. At the risk of being obvious -- read! Go to the library.
6. Set out a lot of good dress-up stuff and let your kids play with each other.
7. Have a dance party in the living room.
8. Bake something -- even the youngest can help with simple cookie recipes.
9. Cook dinner together. It takes patients with little ones but they'll remember it.
10. Can we fix it? Fix that leaky faucet, sew those ripped pants.
11. Take pictures together with a digital camera. Kids love the instant gratification.

Now...on to the good stuff.

Eight-to-ten year-olds obsessed with love notes, boyfriend and girlfriends, and the like is very young but not unheard of.

In some cases it is like a dog chasing a car. It looks like fun, but the dog doesn't know what to do with the car when they catch it. So too with the kids.

The notes and friendships are in part a game and in part rehearsal for adolescence. With kids of this age many are "rehearsing" and playing out the behaviour they see of teens and their teen idols. Television shows like Canadian and American Idol do have young girls swooning over dreamy contestants. One need only view the television audience to see the effect on some of the very young viewers. Further, they see other role models such as teen pop stars who blatantly use sex for self-promotion. But the issue isn’t the role-playing or rehearsal per se. The issue is how far they take the game or role-playing and does it lead to trouble.

Early sexual exposure and experimentation can lead to trouble. In one community, 4 kids (ages 10 - 12) were involved in sexual activity. It became known when one girl disclosed to a friend who in turn told her mother. In this case the kids were acting out the various sex scenes they saw on Internet porn sites. Although consensual, the behaviour went far beyond conventional sexual activity and was far beyond the normal imagination of children at this age. It was very disturbing. It is important to note, these were otherwise good kids from good homes. They had never been in trouble before. They were role-modeling behaviour from an obscene source in the absence of supervision or other activities to occupy their time.

Kids in our society are being exposed to sexual information and material far beyond their maturity to manage or understand and some do mimic it.

If you want to put a little ice on youngsters’ sexualization, here are a few tips:

1) Talk with them about relationships and what it means. Given their ages, this is sometimes best done one-to-one. If done in a group, kids of this age may degenerate into giggling and nervous laughter. Parents are generally the best persons to have these conversations with their kids. The parent should also be role-modeling appropriate interactions with their intimate partner when in view of their kids.

2) Keep kids in public view. Kids in public view are at less risk of getting into trouble. In other words, keep an eye on them and have them participate in many activities that can avoid trouble while having fun. Know where they are and whom they are with.

3) Parents MUST keep the home computer in the kitchen or some other open area where they can wander by. It is difficult for kids to surf for porn or any other dangerous websites when in plain view of mom or dad. Don’t give in to whining if they object.

4) Many TVs have "parental controls" built into the remote. Parents are encouraged to block channels or specific programs that show explicit sexual content. Even if the kids do not go there intentionally, they can catch a glimpse when channel surfing. A glimpse is enough to capture their attention and lead them astray.

Following these recommendations can decrease kids likelihood of young sexual experimentation, delinquency, drug and alcohol use, and getting pregnant when they become teenagers. The important thing is for parents, educators and other adults in positions of trust and responsibility to start when kids are very young. These recommendations should form a normal part of their lives. Let their life be filled with the fun and excitement of age-appropriate, healthy activities. It’s a prescription for better, safer kids!

Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
www.yoursocialworker.com
gary@yoursocialworker.com
(905) 628-4847

Gary Direnfeld is a child-behaviour expert, a social worker, and the author of Raising Kids Without Raising Cane. Gary not only helps people get along or feel better about themselves, but also enjoys an extensive career in public speaking. He provides insight on issues ranging from child behaviour management and development; to family life; to socially responsible business development. Courts in Ontario, Canada consider Gary an expert on matters pertaining to child development, custody and access, family/marital therapy and social work.

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Face it, good fathering does take time. But time is limited, and we need to be wise if we're going to make the most of it. Here are four suggestions:

You have to start with priorities. What's getting your best time and energy? If I'm not spending enough time with my children but I'm wasting time in meaningless ways, I have to admit it and then do what is necessary to change. Maybe it's time for a good look in the mirror.

Second, make yourself available at any time. When you can't be with your child, if he knows he can reach you and talk to you, that makes a big difference. Some dads who have important meetings leave word that even when they want all their calls to be held, they'll still talk to their wife or kids. That leaves them open to interruptions that may seem trivial. But it's important to reinforce they're available -- and it sends a message to their colleagues about their priorities.

Third, when you are together, give your child all your attention. When you finally do carve out a few minutes to read a book or play a game with your daughter, don't try to eat dinner, watch TV and carry on another conversation at the same time. Also try entire "daddy days" with a child, where she plans the whole day's activities. It's a huge deposit in your child's relational bank account.

Fourth, don't use money as a daddy substitute. Few kids would complain initially about getting expensive gifts from their dad. But the joy and excitement quickly fade. And in the long run, they'll resent that you gave them "stuff" instead of yourself. We all know young people who have a full toy box and a full garage, but an empty heart. And it breaks my heart. A good approach might be that for every new toy you give, you also commit to make time to play with the child and the toy.

You've probably heard me say that for kids, love is spelled T-I-M-E. Dads, let's make the most of the time and the opportunities we have.

Recommended Resource: The Heart of a Father by Ken Canfield via Fathers.com

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Until next month...hang in there dad!!

Michael E. Farrell
Fatherville.com - Where Real Fathers Write About Real Fatherhood

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