It's officially started. My wife and I noticed it at almost exactly the same time. Our 9 year old son, Jonathan, is coming of age. This change is highlighted by things like: questioning almost everything we say, and every disagreement comes with "an attitude." My wife and I looked at each other the other night while driving and I wondered aloud, "What happened to our compliant first born child?" While it's sort of sad to see the change we know it's a necessary phase of maturing into adolescence. We also know that we must continue to provide boundaries for him even though we know he's going to continue to push the envelope. Then there are the surprising, telling moments like the other day when he left his BMX bike outside all night long. I warned him if he did it again that he would not be allowed to ride the bike to school. I also told him how lucky he was that someone else didn't steal it. We chatted a little more and he went on his way. It shouldn't have come as a surprise to me when He left the bike outside again—the very next night. I hated taking his bike away from him but I had to follow through. To my amazement he was very understanding about the matter. He even told me I was being fair because I had warned him about the consequences. If only it were that easy every time.

How about you? Are your children starting to go through significant changes? Are those changes forcing you to take on a new role as a parent? What are some of the toughest decisions you have had to make so far? Have those decisions paid off? Tell us about your experience.

...and for you dads with younger children. How are you doing with your toddlers and preschoolers? Are you learning how to discipline them effectively? Are you spending time with your kids? What are your favorite things to do together. Share a few of your more enjoyable activities with us and we'll post some of your ideas in the next newsletter.

Speaking of fun times together...what do you do when just the opposite happens and your toddler throws a tantrum? There are a number of different ways to handle this situation many of which have are not what you expect. I have a few suggestions that I can share with you that come from an article by Gary Direnfeld entitled, Tantrums Getting The Better of You?

And one last item to share with you. I recently received a children's computer game entitled: Didi & Ditto. If you are in the market for a fun-filled children's game (ages 4 to 6) please read my review. In short—my kids loved this game.

Now...on to the good stuff.

1. Tantrums in the two to three-year-old are fairly common. It is their way of protesting and signaling to us they really want to get their own way. At this age children are just coming into their own and do not like to be thwarted. They are driven by inquisitiveness and strutting new skills. They have mastered walking and are ever increasing their motor skills. They are ready for exploration, but haven’t yet internalized rules, so they think everything is fair game. And while we may think these young children can totally understand us, in truth, this is still a year and more away. So it is not enough that we tell them what to do, we must also show them and physically direct their play and areas for exploration. When young children get involved in things they shouldn’t, it is important to simply re-direct them to approved activities and areas of play. You may find yourself doing this dozens upon dozens of times per day! Once will never be enough at this age and this is why parenting two-year-old can be such a demanding time.
   
   While redirection is the key for managing behavior at age two, if tantrums persist at age three, ignoring such behavior is the next strategy parents should try. Ignoring tantrums teaches the child that this behavior doesn’t work and so they often stop. Ignoring really means withholding attention for misbehavior, but, and very importantly, it is also a must that parents do provide attention for appropriate behavior. This is usually in the form of verbal feedback, praise, hugs and kisses.
   
   If ignoring the tantrums isn’t working at age three, you can start to use "time-out" as a consequence. Time-out means time away from anything reinforcing or otherwise pleasurable - like sitting on the stairs or in the corner, or quietly on a chair. While the general rule is one minute of time-out per age of child, time-outs that are much briefer and a matter of seconds, say 5 to 15 seconds are often MORE effective than longer time-outs. In the life of a three-year-old, 5 to 15 seconds is a long time, but it is not so long that they forget why they were sent to time-out in the first place. The key to effectively using this strategy is to apply a brief time-out each time the behavior occurs. It is better a brief time-out follows at each instance of a tantrum, than only long time-out.
   
   If tantrums persist even with the use of time-out, ask yourself if there are other stresses in the home. Issues of illness, marital violence or discord, alcohol or drug abuse in caregivers all can affect parenting and child behavior. You may also want to check your child’s hearing. Many children at this age have had a number of recurring ear infections (otitis media). With each re-occurrence of an ear infection, fluid remains in the ear and diminishes hearing capacity. They will grow out of it, but in the meantime, your child may actually be hard of hearing and as a result, language delayed. Therefore even though a little older, they may not hear you or understand your verbal commands. This is something you should check out with your pediatrician.
   
   If all the above fails, fear not, but do ask for help. Call a local parenting center, a counselor or social worker or even your family doctor. Odds are something is going on that probably because you are so close to the problem, you do not see. If ever you feel like spanking your child, then give yourself a break to stop yourself. Have a cup of herbal tea, warm milk, a hot bath, or go for a walk. Do anything that works to give you a little distance and a chance to collect your thoughts. Just be sure your child is appropriately supervised while you grab a moment alone. Sometimes this “parental pause” is just the ticket to regain composure and reenter more effectively.
   
   Tantrums? Follow these steps:

• Redirection
• Ignore
• Time-out
• Check for other stresses
• Check hearing
• Ask for help
• Take a break
  
  Lastly, you can't offer too much praise, love and affection to a child. Give generously throughout the day!
  
  Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
  www.yoursocialworker.com
  gary@yoursocialworker.com
  (905) 628-4847
   

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It's still hot. The grass still needs weekly mowing. But soon all your kids under the age of 18 are about to cross another milestone. As the summer ends, a new school year is about to begin.

Now, you may think there's very little difference between second and third grade. Or that high school is the same for Sophomores and Juniors. But, for your kids-even if they act calm, cool and collected-there's still a battle of tummy butterflies going on right now.

A new school year means new teachers, new classrooms and new responsibilities. Your younger son may fear the return of the school bully. Your daughter's best friend may have a totally different schedule than she does. Your older son may be facing the fact that-for the first time-he may not even make the team.

And, it's toughest on the kids who are moving from one school to another. Do you remember your first day in junior high or high school?

Yes, a new school year is a milestone.

It's also a major event for your wife. If she's a stay-at-home mom, then the kids will be out of her hair for much of the day. Working moms, especially, seem to applaud the end of summer. The family's out-of control schedules are much more predictable when class is in session.

And then there's you, dad. In general, your life probably doesn't change much from one month to another-in any season. You go from mowing to raking to shoveling to fertilizing with relative ease. Pretty much, for most dads it seems, your routine is set.

And so, as this back to school ritual unfolds before you, how can you best support your family? Well, for your wife, that's easy. Take her out for dinner to celebrate.

But for your kids, don't hesitate to ask them their thoughts on the upcoming year. And don't settle for one and two word answers. Tell them your own back-to-school horror stories. Talk about your best and worst teachers. Ask them about the reputations of their new teachers. You may even slip your daughter thirty bucks for a new pair of jeans. Your son, too.

But above all, tell them that no matter how they do this year, you'll love them unconditionally. Challenge them to do their best, but tell them you'll be there to help if and when they need.

Ken Canfield via Fathers.com

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Thank you for allowing me to mail this newsletter to you. It's a privilege for me to join you on the journey of fatherhood.

Until next month...hang in there dad!!

Michael E. Farrell
Fatherville.com - Where Real Fathers Write About Real Fatherhood

You may reach me anytime via email at: mike@fatherville.com

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